Ghosts
by DoubleL27
Summary: Two years may have passed but the ghosts haven't even begun to disappear for those who were touched by the shooting. A look at the two year Anniversary through the eyes of those closest.
1. Chapter 1

She looked like an angelic statue standing in the middle of the empty hallway, except her eyes were trained towards the ground rather than towards heaven as one would expect an angel's face to be. He wished he could see her eyes, rather than her back and her cascading blond hair. It was hard to tell exactly what her utter stillness meant even though he had a pretty good guess.

The bell had rung ten minutes ago, and everyone else was safely in their classrooms with the doors shut, shrouding them in a serene silence. He didn't want to disturb her as he walked down the hall behind her. He had been sent out to retrieve her, but he hated the idea of disturbing her solitude. He may have had as much right to be there as she did, but he still didn't want to make anything harder for her.

She didn't even hear him slip though the open doorway to stand beside her. He could see her eyes now, focused on an all too familiar spot of floor, eyes hollow and vacant, an expression she'd been wearing far too often in the past couple of years. It was with deep regret that he reached his hand up to her shoulder.

"Emma."

_It didn't matter how quiet he had attempted to be, he still startled her. She jumped, her entire body springing back into life or something like it, her hair whipping as her head turned to look at him. _ She brought a shaky hand to her heart as she gaped at him. "God, Toby, you scared me half to death."

And like that, the silence was broken, the trance ruined, and they were back in a hallway that the older students gossiped about and the younger ones gawked at and those who were too close usually avoided. His own eyes traveled to the spot she had been transfixed on earlier and looked back to see Emma's cheeks coloring.

"Mr. S sent me out to find you."

Emma's face darkened, tinged with a bit of bitterness. It was an expression that had increased with the years and Toby thought its existence was a tragedy. "I'm surprised he didn't send Manny for fear I was holed up in the bathroom."

"I think…" Toby bit his lip, unsure how to broach the subject with someone who was once counted among his best friends. "I think he wanted to send someone who got it."

The bitterness faded and she was left looking tired and lost. A shaky hand pushed back at her blond hair that had been displaced when he startled her. "Yeah. I know."

Her eyes returned to the spot they had been on before and his followed her gaze. Toby could have sworn he could see the pair of boys falling to the ground as a pool of blood began to leak out from beneath them. Just a ghost of the image, but the image all the same. He shook his head and looked back at Emma. "Last year when they were doing the memorial and everything," her voice was soft, and faded, like the memory she was retelling. "I just wanted to forget. I thought it would be better if no one said anything. It could all just go away."

She broke her gaze away from the spot and back to his face, her brown eyes looking particularly broken. "I was wrong, Toby, this is worse. Standing here and thinking about it and having everyone avoiding it and you. Like it didn't happen."

"It's been two years. For some people that's a lifetime."

He wasn't sure if he was arguing for it, or just pointing out a truth. It was wrong. But so many people forgot. Forgot that Rick had been a human being, his best friend. People forgot who their friends were, who they'd loved. Sometimes he wondered if Kendra Mason ever thought of him, or if she remembered him well. Sometimes he wondered if he'd forget Rick or JT. All of them.

"Mom and Snake have been trying to pretend like everything's normal. Except they had my favorite breakfast this morning, let me see Sean before school, didn't ask me to watch Jack at all today, like it's all just how every day goes. They've been walking on eggshells too."

"Yeah, I got the favorite breakfast food thing too. And then Kate insisted Ash and I be home for dinner, and wants Jimmy there too. Not that anything is going on or anything. When Ash asked why we had to though, she flipped out, like I'd never seen her flip out before and then she apologized."

Silence fell as they both contemplated it. Emma broke it first.

"It's so weird."

There was no explanation of what she meant. Toby supposed that was because far too much of it was weird.

Toby's eyes traveled back down the hallway. He could envision Rick, still covered in yellow, his hair hanging heavy from the water he'd attempted to wash himself with. His hand was in the backpack, his eyes detached. Toby recognized him and didn't all at once, just as he had two years ago.

On impulse, which was so rare, he turned to Emma, "Let's get out of here."

"What?" she blinked, clearly missing his exact words as her brow and nose crinkled. The confusion covering her face was a clear sign to him of how far apart they'd drifted. Or perhaps of how little she really knew him despite the years they'd been friends. "Toby?"

"Have you paid attention in any of your classes today?"

Her face became nearly blank before she looked at him again, "I don't remember a single word."

"Me either. So let's just go."

"Who are you and what have you done with Tobias Issacs?" she asked, confused but amused.

He wanted to be amused too, but couldn't find it in him. The emotion's he'd been banking down on all day were bubbling up. "I…I can't be here today Emma. Rick's been gone two years, JT a month and I…"

It wouldn't be the first time he'd skipped with a girl this year. He was starting to accept the fact that it might not be his last. And this building was starting to become suffocating. He just needed to not be here.

She nodded, and a small smile drifted on to her face. "Yeah, let's go."

They walked down the hallway together, reminiscent of the old friendship they'd had and Toby could almost feel the stirrings of that long ago crush that he'd managed to push out of his mind. They walked down the corridor the way their attacker, their friend, had come up it two years prior. It was almost like a museum, preserved as it had been on that day. You could, if you looked hard enough, imagine you saw where the blood had been.

They turned the corner, away from their own personal hell and caught sight of another in his. The wheelchair was not immobile, as Emma had been. Instead its owner sat there, occasionally popping back on the wheels. Ashley's voice flitted into Toby's head just for a second, curious if that was safe. He could hear the occupant's laughing response to it, and didn't say it out loud. "Jimmy."

The wheels came down with a clatter, hands gripping them to keep him steady, and Jimmy pivoted seamlessly. "Hey. Ash didn't send you out looking for me, did she?"

"No. Not yet."

Jimmy shifted a bit uncomfortably as if he'd been caught being a crappy boyfriend. Toby wasn't sure that anyone could label Jimmy as a crappy boyfriend. In Toby's opinion he'd put up with enough of Ash's drama to be sainted. "She's been great, really."

As much as he loved his sister, Toby could understand the sentiments exactly. "She's still Ash," Toby offered.

A grin split across Jimmy's face, a sign of the friendly camaraderie they'd been rekindling was getting stronger. "Hey, you said that, not me alright?"

Toby nodded and watched as Jimmy's smile faded, eyes traveling down the hall. There was so much he wanted to say, but he had no idea of how to get them out.

"Toby and I are getting out of here. You want to come along?"

"Who's driving?"

"My Bubbie let me drive her car," Toby offered.

Both Jimmy and Emma shot each other a look. Apparently they didn't like this idea. Emma dug around in her purse and pulled out a pair of keys. "I have Sean's car."

"Emma wins." Jimmy said conclusively. "Let's go before Ms. H or someone starts wandering by."

Jimmy turned and started wheeling down the hallway in the lead, expecting Toby and Emma to follow. Toby wondered what people who didn't remember what the date was, or any of the specifics, would think of their odd trio. Or anyone who didn't know that in seventh grade Jimmy and Emma had been two of the most important people in his life. 

And in some ways it was odd, that they were brought back together this way. He wasn't sure they had really talked that much since the shooting. Emma had come back after getting rid of Peter, and with JT's death and reuniting with Ashley, Jimmy'd been a presence in his life again. But this wasn't something they'd ever really talked about.

It was something that happened, something the lived with-but not something they ever talked to each other about. It couldn't be healthy. But then, none of them had really been talking that much at the time anyways.

"Is Ash going to kill you?"

"No. She's been really understanding, but she wants to talk about it and I…I don't know how. It's hard to explain it to someone who wasn't there."

"Sean and I haven't talked about it."

"What?" Toby asked, surprised at Emma's quiet admission.

"We haven't. I mean, we've discussed things like Sean having to leave and my occasionally hideous behavior after it happened-the ways it screwed us up. The aftermath. But I haven't managed to even begin to discuss with him the events of that day. You'd think, with us both having been there, and being together again it would be easy. I just don't know how to open a conversation with, 'So, about the time you stepped in front of a gun for me.'"

"That's how you'd start it?"

"It's the phrase that reverberates in my head. Today, I took his car, met him at his place and we just sort of discussed plans for the day and drove. We didn't talk about what today was, or what we remembered. And while it's what I wanted, it's not all at the same time."

"It's easier not to talk about it."

"For us. Everyone else could talk about it after it happened, and then last year was about rebuilding and moving forward and now…it's like they've dealt with it. But it's easier to deal with if you were locked in a classroom and didn't see anything until afterwards."

"Knowing that if things were different you could have died is not the same as standing there knowing you'll probably die."

Toby and Emma nodded at that comment.

"And that's not easy to explain. Ash can start off a million times with how awful it was—but I really don't remember much. Just the before, and the after, and when everyone else was loosing it I was unconscious."

"We all were," Toby observed, remembering the hazy floating feeling that had come over him when the cops and paramedics had swarmed in and whisked himself, Sean and Emma to the office, "in our own way."

In their own way, a little bit of each of them died with Rick when he went down. They were unconscious with Jimmy. Guilty, terrified, terrorized. They'd been lost in the ugliness that no one else could really understand.

And it was awful and unexplainable.

Emma took over the lead as they pushed their way out into the brisk fall air. The wind whipped her hair around and she brought her arms up around her to hold in some warmth. Toby took up a spot next to Jimmy as he wheeled himself along. He looked down, which still startled him that he had to look down to find Jimmy.

The sound of Emma's shoes on the pavement came to a halt, causing Toby to look up to where she was ahead of him. There was someone leaning on the hood of a red car. Now her heels started clicking faster as she made a beeline for the man, whose head was hanging down, hands stuck deep into his pockets. With a few more steps Toby realized it was Sean.

"Sean?" The head came up at Emma's question, and it was definitely Sean. Surprise flitted over his face, but only for a moment when Emma's hand landed on his arm. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?"

Sean's gaze fell to her feet. "Nearly took my hand off in an engine." Emma gasped softly and Sean's eyes lifted to hers again. "It's fine really. After my boss reamed me out I explained…everything. He gave me the rest day off. Wandered around the city for awhile and ended up here. I didn't feel like getting Ms. H on my case so I figured I'd wait out here."

"You could have come in rather than look like a stalker sitting on my car."

"It's my car, says so on the registration."

"Didn't they have to keep this for evidence?" Toby asked curiously.

Sean sent him a bit of a glare. "Not when you plead guilty, no." He turned away from the guys and back to Emma, his expression lightening. "So you guys are skipping?"

Emma pointed a finger in his face, and the smile on Sean's face expanded. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" he asked her, as if she wasn't glowering at him like a dark storm cloud.

"Like you're amused."

"It's not the first time you've ditched."

Emma walked away from him and started around to the driver's side of the car. "Thank you for that news flash. Are you coming this time?"

"Where are we going?"

That was the eternal question. Toby watched as Emma and Jimmy cast around for a good answer before piping up himself. "There's some place I'd like to go, if you guys wouldn't mind."

Silence fell over the group again, but there seemed to be no protests. He just hoped no one would ask outright where he wanted to go first. He had a sneaking suspicion if he said anything, everyone else would say no.

"Sure," Emma said finally, "Just tell me where we're going—" Emma raised a finger upon seeing Sean move towards her, "and no, you still don't have a license and you're not breaking parole on me." And with that she slid into the car and shut the door so there would be no arguments.

Toby got into the front seat himself, settled himself in and pulled out the directions he'd written down nearly two years ago.

"You need any help with the transfer man?"

Toby turned his head. He hadn't even though to offer, mostly because he was far too used to Jimmy pushing off any advances save Ashley's. But Ash was a steamroller. "I'm good," Jimmy responded, per prediction, his voice clipped.

"I only asked because it's low."

"I'm fine," Jimmy snapped back.

Sean stepped back and allowed Jimmy to make the move himself. He did however, collapse the chair and place it inside Emma's trunk. "I'm surprised you don't have your own set of wheels," Sean said, slipping into the back seat behind Emma. "I'd figured your dad would've set you up with a car."

"I have a van."

"That you drive? I mean, it's not too hard of a mod to install, hand pedals."

"Leave it."

"Wasn't saying—" Sean held his hands up and turned to look out the window. "Whatever."

Toby kept his own mouth shut as he kept fidgeting with the crease in the paper he had been hanging on to far too long. The roar of the car coming to life echoed in his ears and he looked down at the looping scrawl that he hadn't seen in a long time. The car started to move and Emma asked which way to turn out of the parking lot. Toby told her to take a left, and they started on their way.

Or perhaps, they were just continuing the journey they'd started two years ago.


	2. Chapter 2

It was an odd crew to have, Emma couldn't help but think as she wove the car through Toronto's streets. Toby had taken the front seat just to give her directions while Sean and Jimmy took up residence in the back. Emma kept shooting furtive glances in the review mirror to check on Sean and Jimmy in the back. There had been far too many fights between the two in their younger days, but right now they seemed to be surviving it okay.

Granted, it was dead silent inside the vehicle except for Toby's quietly given directions. Jimmy and Sean were not talking and she hadn't been interested in talking all day. The quiet was starting to be a little more comforting and to turn on the radio to find something, anything, and have it not fit the mood of the day just seemed wrong.

The silence was torn by the happy, unbefitting jingle of a cell phone ring tone.

Toby glanced down nervously at the ringing, vibrating phone that sat between them. She could feel his eyes fall on her, but never looked away from the road. "Em, that's your phone."

The tune continued as the silver phone vibrated against the plastic of the cup holder. Her knuckles turned white on the steering wheel as the ring grated against her mind. "I don't pick it up when I drive. Shut it off."

Toby complied, fingers closing on the slim object. After glancing at the screen, he looked up at her again. "It says-"

She and Manny had spent a day picking out exactly what ring tones to put with which people. Emma could have told everyone who it was by the first few notes. It wasn't important. Neither was the way Toby was looking at her, although she had to clench her hands a little harder against the wheel. "I know who it is," she said carefully, "shut it off."

Toby flipped the phone open and the tiny, far away sound of someone on the other end of the cell phone came through, squawking, "Em! Thank god!" before Toby could turn the phone off.

"That was Manny," Sean observed from the back seat and Emma was tempted to shout at him to back the hell off.

Emma could feel her hands practically melding with the steering as she continued driving and banked the urge. "She'll understand," she ground out instead. She had to believe Manny would understand, as she'd understood so much for Manny. At least, if not understanding, that free pass that you had to give to your friends sometimes when life sucked.

Toby rolled his eyes and shot a glance in the back toward Sean, and she wondered if they didn't know she could see their faces. Another phone rang and Emma glared in the back seat. "Shut it off."

Jimmy gave her a pointed look back. "It's Ash."

"Shut it off," she repeated, taking the turn Toby directed her towards a little sharply. She saw the boys slide in the back and couldn't find it in herself to care. "I'm not turning the car around."

"People should at least know we're fine."

"We're not dead, we skipped school," Emma shot back. "Now's not the time to be telling people. All anyone is going to do is make us feel guilty and turn around. And I am not turning this car around unless you're dying."

She shot a look in the back to see if he was dying. He stared back for a moment before breaking the gaze.

"Fine." Jimmy hunched his shoulders instead as he turned the phone off.

She could feel his eyes boring a hole in her back. Emma couldn't find it in her to give a shit. She'd hung up on Manny, or made Toby do it—he could turn the phone off on Ashley. They'd wait for them. The one thing Emma had learned in the past two years was that after you'd had a gun shoved in your face it gave you a convenient excuse for any behavior. On the anniversary, everyone would back off pretty quickly, even Manny.

It took a few minutes but soon enough the tension in the car eased a bit and Emma's fingers were no longer clenched so hard that they were bone white. Still there were no words as they headed down a small side street. Everyone seemed to be lost in their own thoughts.

The silence was broken by Toby's instruction, "Turn right here."

There was no street, only a stone wall with a gate in it and a wrought iron sign stretching across the top of the gate that gave away the name. Emma was tempted to leap out of her seat and strangle him, but hitting a stone wall wasn't ideal. "Toby."

"Turn."

Emma sent Toby a glare at him before they turned into St Peter's Cemetery. Toby seemed to be pretending to be oblivious to the glares that everyone was sending him, instead he kept giving out directions from a piece of paper he'd pulled from his bag. Emma was starting to wonder why the hell she'd ever agreed to skip with Toby.

The car was dead silent with tension as they cruised slowly through the sea of headstones that looked like buoys on the grassy hills.

"Stop."

Toby's voice was a horse whisper at that point and Emma hit the break and the car rolled slowly to a stop. Emma put the car in park and turned to glare at Toby. "Tobias Ezekiel Isaacs please do not tell me we are where I think we are." _She couldn't even look across the grass that was littered with headstones. She was too afraid she'd see the name of the boy that haunted far too many of her dreams_ They were a blur behind Toby's head and she would rather have them stay that way.

"Then I won't say anything," Toby returned firmly.

Which was Toby speak for yes. Her hand reached out and hit the steering wheel, sending a honk echoing throughout the empty space. "I cannot believe you," she exploded with it.

"Why?" Toby questioned, his own voice rising in response to hers. Emma kept her angry eyes on him but her hands clenched on the steering wheel. If she did anything else she was worried she'd reach out and grip his throat just as tightly. "He's the only other one who was really a part of this the way we were."

She had no response for that.

"He's dead." Jimmy's voice was flat, dangerous, and it was definitely suggested that it was far better that he stay that way.

"Doesn't mean he's not still here."

Awkwardness settled in at the little truth that Toby put forth. Rick was there, every day. They could do anything and everything to escape him, escape that day but he haunted them. Some in the most obvious of ways, others in the most odd.

That was why they were all out here, wasn't it? Because they couldn't shake Rick and what had happened that day.

"Em," Sean's voice was even more deadly quiet than Jimmy's as he used the ever familiar nickname and it made her blood run cold. "I think it's time we went."

"No. You don't have to come," Toby said to the car at large, "but I have to do this."

Without giving any of them more time to think, Toby got out of the car and started striding across the grass. Emma sent an apologetic look in Sean's direction. She wasn't happy with the location but now that they were where they were, Emma couldn't bring herself to abandon Toby. His eyes flashed for a moment and he threw the seatbelt off, breaking their gaze. "Screw this."

The door slammed shut as he removed himself from the car and Emma scrambled to follow suit. She nearly tripped as her heels crunched in the gravel. "Sean!"

"I'm walking back," he called without turning around, "I'll see you later."

Emma felt her heart sink as she watched him go, a hand absently waved in her direction more to ward off her attempt to follow than a goodbye. She couldn't help but wonder why it was that their relationship seemed to constantly be taking turns like this.

"Could you get my wheelchair?" Jimmy's voice shook her out of her stupor and she felt foolish for just standing in the middle of the path watching Sean go.

"God, I'm sorry." The words tumbled from her flustered lips, and Emma worked hard not to blush as she opened the trunk. She awkwardly pulled the chair out and opened it. She made the decision to just leave it by the side door, unsure if she should do more than that. The grin Jimmy gave her was light, but didn't reach his eyes. "Hey, don't worry about it. I'll take Sean."

Emma's teeth bit into her lip in a old nervous habit as she glanced after the hunched, retreating figure. "You don't have to."

"I'd take Toby but…" he gestured at the grass, "the chair isn't made for off-roading."

Emma nodded and cast another look down the road to Sean, wishing she could see the logic behind this that Jimmy seemed to. Rather than argue, she simply smiled at him. "Thanks."

Jimmy rolled off down the hill, vaguely paying attention to the way Emma stood stalk still on the edge of the grass watching Toby. He was less than thrilled with the situation-between the location and the company and the fact that Sean and Toby apparently both needed their heads knocked in for different reasons.

Oddly enough, it was still a better option than sitting in Kwan's class between Ashley and Spinner trying to pay attention when all he would really be thinking about is that around this time was when Craig found him bleeding on the ground.

"What's your problem?"

Sean stopped dead in his tracks before turning around, all of that bottled up anger simmering under the surface. "This is pointless. I didn't get tossed out of work to come and stand over Rick Murray's grave."

"I didn't bail on school to do this either. That's not your issue."

"Well, when you get to pull up in front of the grave of the kid that you killed, then you can talk to me."

"Yeah, well we pulled up in front of the grave of the guy who took the use of the lower half of my body and nearly killed me. Excuse my lack of sympathy for your position here."

Sean didn't turn to face Jimmy, but his shoulders slumped a little more under the words. "I killed him."

The confession was a near whisper, as if it caused Sean pain. He'd never really thought that the incident would scar Sean to the same extent it had scared him, but here was that little bit of proof. "You saved the rest of us and he would have ended up dead anyways."

It sounded harsh coming out of his own mouth, harsher than he meant it.

"You think I would have made it if they'd gotten in any later? If he hadn't been the one shot, it would have been you and then he would have gone after Emma and then it would have been him and Toby. Toby might have lived, maybe. After Rick took him hostage and tried to bargain for his life, maybe, just maybe Toby would have been the only one with a heartbeat. Way I see it, if Toby survived and the rest of us were dead, he would have died in those halls right along with us."

"Doesn't change things."

"No. What you did, it sucked, but it was him or us." It was one of those things he'd come to accept on his late night thinking sessions in the hospital. The world would have been better if Rick weren't dead, but he wouldn't have lived otherwise. And there was far too much to live for. There wasn't anything that could make Jimmy feel like he would trade his life for Rick's at this point. "Should I be sorry for that? Are you sorry Emma's alive?"

Sean's jaw tensed before he ground out, "No."

"Because, if you hadn't done that, she'd have bled out on the floor next to you, while I bled out around the corner, and Toby would have been left standing there, having witnessed all of it, with Rick trying to explain." He could almost see it, which was why it was still so frightening. "There was no happy ending. This is as close as it gets."

He would have given anything for there to be a happily ever after.

"Fucking sucks," Sean commented finally.

"You're telling me."

Sean sent him a smile at the perverse comment and it was the first truly friendly exchange they'd had in years. His gaze turned back up towards the hill where a blond, willowy figure could be seen crossing the grass. Jimmy watched as well, wondering how peaceful others would find the image and what would they think if they knew the truth.

Although, the truths that had woven the group of them together were perhaps too complex for anyone else to really understand.

"Why'd you come after me?"

Jimmy looked up at Sean and gave a shrug. "The last thing you needed to do today was to screw up your relationship by saying something you didn't mean." The same reason he pretty much he avoided talking about everything with Ashley. "Figured I'd let you yell at me instead of at her."

"Thanks."

"No problem, man."

An understanding seemed to have passed between them that had been eluding them for the past six years. It only took a tragedy, a dead kid and a cemetery. It was one of those things that made more sense to him than it probably should.

"So," Jimmy said, continuing with the feel of the moment, "what is the deal with hand pedals?" It was, Jimmy thought as Sean looked down at him, a start.

Emma knelt in the cool grass beside Toby, mesmerized by the words carved out of stone. She was half tempted to reach out and run her fingers over them to make sure they were real, but she didn't even want to touch anything that had to do with the body buried under the headstone.

Richard Murray 1988 – 2004.

Sixteen. He'd only been sixteen. Sometimes it was hard to remember that he'd been so young, that they'd all been so young. She used to think she was grown up back then until that fateful day in the hallway where she'd realized she was still fifteen and painfully young. And standing there, staring down the gun, he'd seemed like some scary, crazed monster.

Really, all he'd been was a sixteen year old boy.

Odd how it was that easy to forget.

"Sometimes…" Toby's voice cracked and he trailed off. Emma turned her head away from the grave to look at her old friend. Tears were welling in his eyes, magnified by his glasses as he continued to stare at the names. "Sometimes I wonder how stupid I was. Was I that desperate for a friend that I couldn't see?"

"Toby," she said hopelessly, unable to find the right words to tell him he was being crazy.

"You and Manny were fighting and were both clawing your way out of our group. JT was friends with the older kids and Liberty was chasing down JT. Rick was lonely and an outsider and I thought I knew, I understood." He hung his head and looked as tragic as he had the night of the shooting, standing out there in front of the memorial that had been forming for Jimmy. "I still don't understand what happened that day."

Emma laid her head on his shoulder, her blond hair spilling down his back. She could come up with nothing to say but the one thing she was certain of. "You've always been the best person I know."

"Good people don't befriend monsters."

"Was he the monster?" she wondered aloud, "Or was it something else?"

"Em."

She removed her head, unable to have contact with anyone while she said the one thing that she had never said out loud to anyone before. "It was my fault."

Despite her whisper, it carried across to Toby's ears and he turned to look at her sharply. "No, it wasn't. It was Spinner and Jay and everyone who—"

Emma shook her head to cut him off. It was nice to know that some people still believed that she was innocent in these matters, but the lies would suffocate her. They always did and left her alone.

Now it was time for some honesty.

"After the paint and feathers, after the competition he was leaving," she admitted quietly, unable to look at the grave, caught up in the events of the past. "I ran after him, stopped him. I went on about some drivel about how when it was all over, all anyone would remember was how the brilliant Rick Murray won the Brain Bowl for Degrassi. He kissed me."

The memory she'd spent so long burying, the one that cropped up the most in her nightmares, even more in the hallway flooded back. Every time someone touched her since the echoes of that day cropped up, much as the echoes of Jordan. Jay had been penance for the damage done by her not giving in, and an attempt to get closer to Sean.

But that was another story. She needed to finish this one.

"I was shocked and pushed him away. I didn't want him, I didn't want him to want me." The taste of the kiss, the revulsion that had run through her body hit her like a ton of bricks. She really was a hideous person. "And you know me when I don't want something, Toby. I got mad and I got mean. I told him I never liked him, no one liked him, it was all just pity. And he left. He went home and got his gun and came back."

And then he'd started shooting.

"That doesn't make it your fault." She turned at the voice to find Sean and Jimmy paused at the edge of the grass. "It makes him a guy who can't handle rejection."

"Sean."

He shrugged, hands still in his pockets. "You've called me worse. Have I come after you with a gun?"

Frustration welled up at his lack of understanding. "That's different."

"Yeah," he said with a shrug, "I love you."

Emma's mouth dropped open and everything in her melted. Of course that was how he would phrase it. "Sean."

The distance between them seemed to melt away as her long legs crossed the grass. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her head in his shoulder and inhaled as his arms came around her. Tears started to prick at her eyes as she held on and the smell of musk and motor oil wafted up into her nostrils.

"No one in that building was completely innocent, but no one was completely guilty either;" Jimmy said finally. Emma turned her head from Sean's chest to look at Jimmy and noticed Toby looking over his shoulder in Jimmy's direction. Jimmy's gaze however was focused on the headstone "We were just the ones that were closest to the blast."

There wasn't much for anyone to say. Emma leaned back against Sean as they both stared at the grave. Toby reached a hand out and brushed over the letters as Emma had wanted to do. The headstone didn't disappear and the words didn't shift. It wasn't all some hazy dream here in the crisp autumn light. It was far too real.

Emma wasn't quite sure how long they stood there before Toby began to stand, Sean shifted his arm to a position more suitable to walking. But eventually Toby helped push Jimmy out of the rut he'd managed to get into. They all piled into the car silently, but it was a far different silence than they'd gotten into the car with.

There was a sense of peace as they drove away from the boy buried in the ground. A lone station wagon passed them, and came to a stop across from the spot where they had been. Emma looked out her mirror to see a broad, tall woman with a hand full of flowers get out of the car.

No, not everything was black and white, she thought to herself before turning the corner towards the exit to the cemetery.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch 3

Lunch was taken at a place not unlike The Dot, but was certainly not the familiar hang out. The was too close to school and home for any of them to be desperate to journey there just yet. The dregs of the meal remain littered across the table of the four kids that have sat together and eaten talking about anything other than what they'd spent the whole morning discussing.

The edginess that Sean had been riding all day settled again when Emma tilted her head so it rested on his shoulder.

"I still remember Swiss Ball," Toby blurted out.

Silence shrouded the table while the unfamiliar phrase hung in the air. Sean looked across the table to Jimmy when it all flashed back to him. The laugher came easily, remembering three boys who had strapped on trays and picked up brooms and had proceeded to act like they were ten years old rather than teenagers.

"Okay," Emma said finally, her head coming up off of her shoulder, "what is Swiss Ball?"

She said the last two words as if it was some dubious, crazy thing. Which it was, really. So he just gave a shrug and tried to keep from looking too foolish. "It was just a stupid game we made up to occupy ourselves through detention once."

Jimmy grinned, grabbing a few fries of his own. "It involved cafeteria trays and brooms—"

"I'm getting a picture," Emma interrupted, unexcited. She laid her head back on Sean's shoulder as she picked another fry from his plate.

"It was fun," Sean added. He supposed you would have had to see it in action, to understand.

But it was before.

Swiss Ball was a game that belonged to a group of kids who were still innocent. Bad as he'd pretended to be he hadn't been responsible for taking another person's life. Jimmy was still the insanely athletic kid that couldn't be beat, no matter how hard you tried. In the days before he'd joined Jay's crew, Sean had spent a lot of time competing with Jimmy. It had brought them back to a friendly competition which they had often maintained when they weren't trying to rip each other's heads off. Toby had been lighter, happier and a little on the goofy side when he wasn't overly serious.

They were all very different people now. That day in detention seemed like a lifetime ago, before everything changed.

"It wasn't bad, for detention."

"No, it wasn't."

It was hard to remember from time to time, especially for Sean that there had ever been happy times in the school. Other things weighed heavily on his mind, like stealing Mr. S's computer, the shooting, and Peter planting pot in his locker. The good moments were far too easily lost in the shuffle.

"I never had detention," Emma said lazily. "I was suspended that one time though."

Sean turned his head to look at where hers lay on his shoulder. Toby and Jimmy seemed blank on the situation but Sean remembered it vividly. He raised an eyebrow amused at how nonchalant she mentioned her suspension. "That's because you started a food fight and refused to apologize."

"That was fun. Well," Jimmy mused, his eyes coming to rest on Emma, "after you pelted me with food."

Emma's head came up again. Now she was glaring at the table at large with that righteous indignation that Sean had always enjoyed. "I didn't start a food fight," she corrected, "I was protesting. It accidentally lead to a food fight, but I didn't start it."

"So I hallucinated you throwing food at me?"

"And I apologized to the school for the food fight," Emma continued, steamrolling right over Jimmy's question as if he hadn't said anything at all. "I refused to apologize for protesting, which was why I was suspended. I still say I was right."

"Technically your actions were what lead to the food fight so it's arguable that you did start it," Toby put in casually.

Sean turned to grin at Toby for that comment as Emma's hot gaze landed on him. Jimmy was sending a similar smile Toby's way. Toby seemed completely unconcerned at the look she was giving him, and her exclamation of, "Toby!"

He looked up at her with innocent eyes through his square glasses as if he had done nothing wrong. "What?"

Sean had to bite the inside of his lip not to let out a laugh. Laughing now would screw him over and he wasn't prepared to be that screwed right now. Jimmy didn't seem to have quite his luck and let out a loud, rather fake cough.

Emma's eyes quickly darted to Jimmy who averted his eyes to the table before narrowing in on Toby again. "You're the one who refused to let me look at the fries," she reminded him darkly.

"You should really just accept that you started a food fight," Jimmy said, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice.

Emma let out aggravated sound as she took another fry off of his plate and slumped in her seat. Unable to resist, Sean smirked at her. "It's alright, we'll keep you around."

"Sean!" she squealed, giving him a whack on the shoulder that he was sure she had been dying to give to Toby.

The three boys dissolved into laughter again.

"Toronto's Annual Brain Bowl continues with Lakehurst and Barnell after that lunch break," an announcer's voice echoed out of speakers in the restaurant, "Barnell is up by 150 points going into the final round."

Four sets of eyes all shot up to the television. Emma's body tensed next to him and her breathing stopped. Sean slipped his hand into hers and gave it a squeeze. They all seemed transfixed by the image on the screen of two teams of four angled out from the announcer in the center. He'd never told anyone that he had stopped to watch it, watch Emma really. He'd pretended he was doing work in the study, but Emma had kept pulling his gaze back to the screen.

It was almost surreal that they would continue this event considering how it had ended the last time. Contests ending with a kid going and shooting up the school would seem to be things that one might cancel. Sean supposed, though, that Rick likely had been at his very happiest the moment he won, before the paint and feathers came down and if this hadn't been the trigger, there would have been another.

No need to stop something because actions that whoever it was that did these sorts of things could not control pushed one kid on the brink over the edge. Wasn't anything they could change.

"Can I get you kids anything else?"

The sound of the waitress' voice jarred them all out of the trance. "Uh, no," Sean answered, glancing around at the rest of the table. "I think we're all set."

"Alright hun," she said, giving them all a speculative look as she pulled the black thingy out of her apron. "Here's the check. Whenever you're ready."

They quickly settled up the check, the sound of buzzers and questions being answered in the background. As soon as the money was down everyone was instantly up and heading out. Emma had the keys out and her long legs were carrying her across the restaurant at a rapid pace.

"Our first question in the final round goes to Lakehurst," the announcer's voice carried to them before the door slammed shut behind them.

It had to be wrong, that he was happy today. Two years ago today, his best friend at the time had put a gun in the face of everyone here and had ended up dead as a result. His other best friend had just died. It should have had him feeling awful and depressed as he had this morning. Toby couldn't convince himself that Emma was right when she said he was the best person she knew, because today was shaping up to be one of the best days of his life.

He had to be insane.

Everyone else seemed to be doing okay. The televised academic competition had thrown him, all of them, from the appearance of it but it hadn't ruined the day.

Emma led them through the park, Sean following close by but not quite touching her. It had been a life time ago the summer he had met JT and the August day JT had introduced him to Emma and Manny. They had ended up here after that meeting. They didn't head to the wooden playground but instead Emma headed towards the larger structure of swings across the way.

It was relatively empty at this time of day, most children still being in school. There were a few college age students that appeared to be lingering, young parents and some older people. The swings however were empty and Emma instantly took up residence in one of the swings. She pushed off with her long legs, looking half like the woman she was and the little girl he had been.

Toby considered joining her on the swings but ultimately decided to stop at the bench. He dropped his book bag to the ground and pulled out a stack of papers. Technically he was supposed to go defend the budget with Liberty after school. He hadn't even remembered until his feet had knocked into the bag in the car.

The report was massive and the pages fluttered in the breeze as he opened it up. Numbers and letters blurred together before his eyes. He tried to keep the wind from turning the pages faster than he could read them.

"Please tell me you're not doing work."

His head popped up to see Jimmy watching him while he locked the wheels on his chair. "I…" Toby squirmed under Jimmy's incredulous stare. It made him feel a little foolish for pulling out work on a day that he had skipped out of school. "If I don't at least look this over before we go back Liberty will have my head."

Jimmy's jaw dropped. "You're going to go back to school?"

Toby looked up at Jimmy, this time it was his turn to be a bit incredulous. "Have you ever faced down pissed off Liberty?" Toby knew Jimmy hadn't. Liberty was pretty selective on who she really fought with. "I don't recommend it. And so close to JT…it's better to not rock the boat. Facing Ms. H is better than facing Liberty."

"I'll take your word for it."

Toby raised an eyebrow as Jimmy reached for the backpack that was hanging off of his chair. Jimmy caught the look as he was unzipping the bag. "I'm going to draw," Jimmy said with a half laugh, "not do work. So long as I have the time, and the inspiration, might as well make use of it."

"Might as well," Toby agreed.

He watched for a moment as Jimmy flipped his sketch book open to a blank page. His fingers flipped the pencil around before setting the gray, pointed tip on the paper. Lines began to form as Jimmy's hands moved across the paper. It amazed him how Jimmy could create something out of nothing, just from inside his head.

Toby looked away and across the grass to where Emma and Sean each sat on a swing, Emma using her foot to propel her back and forth while Sean just sat watching her.

Emma shook her head at the sight of Toby doing work. There were some things, she supposed, that you couldn't change, regardless of how hard you tried. Toby would always be a relentless worker, she would always be a little screwed up, Manny'd be looking for love in all the wrong places.

"I haven't been here since the last time I babysat for Angie, two years ago. We'll, I've been to the park, but not to this part. The swings were always my favorite part."

"Why?"

Emma turned to glance at Sean as she gave a pump with her long legs, pulling on the chains. No one had ever asked her that question before. Loving the swings was a no brainer. Although loving them in a mini-skirt was another matter entirely.

Struggling to keep her legs together she gave another pump.

"It's like you're flying. Or that's how I've always thought of it. Free with no real boundaries."

"But it keeps tugging you back."

Emma glanced at him as she swung past. "You can feel free without ever really going anywhere. Freedom isn't a place, you k now? It's a state of mind."

"And the swings give the illusion of freedom while keeping you grounded."

It was surprisingly profound. Emma turned to look at Sean who was looking at her in a way that made her shoulders shift uncomfortably. She turned to look at the sky while she continued to pump awkwardly. "Are we really having a philosophical discussion about swings?"

"You brought it up," he pointed out rationally.

He could be so ridiculously rational at times it was infuriating, and the times when he was completely irrational it was just as infuriating. But she supposed, it was all part of the beauty of him. Her expression softend as she continued to watch him, hovering just over the ground while she kept swinging.

She stopped pumping and began dragging her feet in the dirt. She could feel the tiny grains working their way into her shoes and between her toes, but at the moment she didn't really care about "I love you too."

A shadow of vulnerability and openness crossed his face for only a moment before it was replaced by the ever familiar, confident, cool aura that Sean put on. "I know."

Emma stuck her tongue out at him. "Jerk."

"You've stuck around." The lightness he was going for was marred by a heaviness of the words that he couldn't quite shake.

Emma gave him another considering glance before pumping her legs yet again. Her streamlined form flew a little higher and she allowed the breeze to blow at her hair and watched the clouds float above her head. As she came back she caught a glance at Sean, who was watching her. She dragged her feet against the ground to slow the swing down a bit.

"It's funny, isn't it?" she mused finally.

"What?"

"That we're still…" Emma tried to find the appropriate word for it and finally settled on, "Us."

"Who else would we be?" Sean joked.

Emma shot him a narrowed look. As much as she understood his attempt at levity, it only fell flat. "You know what I mean."

Sean's eyes met hers, his irises almost electric. It never failed. The feelings overwhelmed her just by looking into his eyes. Too much to feel, too much to think, and yet she had to all the same. "Yeah I do," he responded, his deep voice nearly a whisper.

"I just…I can't imagine my life without you in it. I've tried pretending you away, it never works."

"I haven't been able to shake you either."

God knew they'd tried. The violence, the amount of hatred that they had actually spewed at each other when they weren't together, the damage they had done should have added up into an equation where they were no where near the solution. And yet, despite all odds and their own occasionally heinous behavior, here they were, sitting on her favorite swings years after she had first laid eyes on him and decided he was everything she wanted. He still was.

"Do you think we could just stay here forever?" Emma wondered finally.

"That'd be great, except for the distinct lack of food."

He had taken the literal meaning, rather than the other. Considering they were in public she supposed she couldn't blame him, and she grinned at him. "Why does it not surprise me that that is your complaint?" Sean just grinned back at her and Emma shook her head. "I suppose we've been lucky enough to be out of touch with the real world for this long. Manny's probably called more than once."

"Sounds like Manny."

Emma flipped open her phone and hit the power button. She used her foot to continue moving the swing gently as she waited for the phone to come up. Her phone jangled with the tone that signaled messages. When she looked at the display it took everything Emma had not to drop the phone into the dirt at her feet.

"Oh my god."

"What?"

"There are…12 voicemails and 3 texts from the past few hours. 12," she muttered as she hit the speed dial to her voicemail. Within a few moments the mechanical voice gave way to Manny's voice, and she was upset. Not ready to listen to all of the messages Emma flipped her phone shut again.

"Maybe it's time we headed back," Emma said as she lifted herself off of the swing. The sheer volume of voicemails on her phone suggested that people were far more worried than she had originally believed them to be. Turning back to look at Sean, she asked, "Did you get any?"

"You're the only person who calls me."

Emma wasn't in the mood to point out she hadn't been the one to insist upon the phone, but the garage. Considering they had dismissed him from work for the day, she doubted he was counting them as a possible phone call either. Still, you never knew. So she reached out and poked him. "Check."

Sean rolled his eyes at her but turned the phone on anyways. "Four," he told her gaping at the phone.

"See. Let's go before people send out the police."

Emma strode across the grass, her long legs taking her towards the two boys by the bench. A small sense of dread started to weigh in her stomach like the cell phone in her pocket. The day had been something like living in a bubble, the one she had long been trying to build for herself. She would rather keep going than go back and burst the bubble and that wasn't really possible.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch 4

Jimmy rolled himself into The Dot in accordance with the message that had been left on his phone. He'd had Emma drop him off at the park originally, rather than anywhere where he'd be spotted by people that knew him and played a few rounds of basketball before venturing back into the land of the living. Spin was already there, tying an apron around his waist behind the counter.

Spinner turned and after the shock, a smile burst across his face. Jimmy waited while his oldest friend skirted around the counter and wove through the tables to close the distance between them.

"Dude!" Spin exclaimed, reaching down to give Jimmy a quick hug. As nice as it had been to be out with people who really understood, there was nothing like your best friend. Spin pulled back and raised an eyebrow in a familiar look of concern. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," Jimmy insisted, trying to brush away all of that worry that he could see had built up in Spinner's system. "I just…I couldn't be there and Toby was skipping—"

Spinner nodded in understanding and Jimmy simply stopped talking. Spinner got it and no matter how much time had passed the shooting and the people involved was still something Spinner and Jimmy did not talk about. Not since the conversation in the gym which had proven nearly fatal to their relationship. Neither knew how to breach the subject and really there was a great divide between the two of them when it came to the events that had occurred two years ago.

So instead an uncomfortable silence fell before Spinner broke it with, "Have you called Ash?"

Jimmy closed his eyes and swore mentally. "No."

He'd been right when he'd told Toby that Ashley would understand. She had been very understanding, if not completely worried in her voicemails. All she'd wanted to know was that he was alright, wherever he was.

It was worse than her anger or that cool, clipped princess voice she occasionally adopted when pissed.

"Call her man," Spinner advised, "She was flipping out." That pronouncement from Spinner was not any help with the guilt he was currently feeling. If Spinner had picked up on what an emotional tailspin she had been sent for it had been pretty bad. "I'll go get you some food, it's on the house today."

"You don't have to do that Spin."

"Yeah, I do. But call her, seriously," Spin insisted, pointing a finger in Jimmy's face. "Because you so owe me for taking that on."

Jimmy shook his head as he pulled out his cell phone. He held down the number two and it instantly flashed a smiling picture of Ash on the phone before it started ringing. It only made it one ring before she picked up. "Oh Jimmy! Thank god!"

He flinched at the relief in her voice. He'd scared her by disappearing and keeping things from her and he would have been pissed if she'd done the same. He was an ass of a boyfriend. "I'm sorry I wasn't picking up, baby, I know—"

"No, no, don't be," she insister, her words tumbling out and rushing over his own. "I'm just glad…where are you? Do you…I mean, can I come or would you rather wait until dinner? Do you still want to come to dinner? I can always tell Mom that you're not up for it."

He smiled at her flustered speech coming out in a jumble of blurted statements. Ash had always hated being lost, in every way. Whenever she was she tended to burst out and try as many possible solutions to get back to a known path as possible.

"No, tell your mom I'm coming. Missing a dinner by Kate Kerwin, I'd be a fool." Smile fading, he pursed his lips for a moment at the last words. He'd been avoiding her and avoiding the subject of Rick, mostly because it'd had been uncomfortable, never really thinking about how it might be better to say something. "I've been a fool."

"Jimmy."

He couldn't do it like this, with her voice sounding far away on the other end of a cell phone and far too many people around. "I'm at the Dot, the usual table," he told her, interrupting the protest that he could be a fool about this. "Swing on by."

"Okay, I will. I'll be right there. I love you."

The clatter of dishes and the hum of conversation slid away as he closed his eyes and heard those words. "I love you too." He could see her smile in his mind and caught the snap of her phone, which brought him back into reality.

He opened his eyes and the hustle and bustle of The Dot came alive around him again. Jimmy closed the phone with a sigh.

"So, bullet dodged?"

Fries were set down in front of him. Jimmy glanced up at Spinner's phrase, and his mocking face. "She was surprisingly understanding," he admitted. A little upset and on edge, but on the whole really not bad. Which was better than anyone could really hope for after ditching their girlfriend for the day and not returning a single phone call.

Spinner rolled his eyes as he pulled out the chair opposite from Jimmy and spun it around. "That's because I dealt with her all afternoon."

"See," Jimmy said, his lips curving up into a bit of a smirk. "I'd expect her to be worse from that man."

Spin's face darkened as he sat in the turned around seat. "I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear you say that." The mock anger faded away to a much more serious expression. Jimmy watched as Spinner's fingers absently fiddled with the unused silverware for the other side of the table. It was a moment before Spin looked up again. "But seriously Jimmy, you're okay?"

The amount of time he spent hating Spinner often seemed like a waste now. Whatever Spinner had done, and been guilty of, he was still his best friend. Hating him had taken too much energy and effort and he was far too good of a friend.

"I am. We went by Rick's grave," Jimmy said, testing the phrase out. It sounded weird coming out of his mouth and he shot a look at Spinner to see how it sounded.

The ever familiar gape of shock that Spinner always employed when something hit him as exceptionally odd or unimaginable filtered on to his friend's face. Definitely weird all around. Jimmy fidgeted with his silverware as the silence lengthened. "Dude, are you serious?" Spinner asked in a low whisper.

"Yeah," Jimmy nodded, "It was Toby's idea but it was surprisingly okay."

"Wow, dude that's…wow."

"I guess." It had been a shock when they'd arrived and he'd been pissed as hell with Toby. Now, however, he was calmer than he had been when the day started.

Spinner seemed to be unable to grasp the concept as anything . Jimmy wanted to suggest that it would probably be good for Spinner to go, that it would help him. There were things he wanted to say about how it had been, how it worked. Once, they had been able to say just about anything to one another, and mostly they could but then there were these awkward gaps now that Jimmy couldn't seem to fill. The things he wanted to say all sounded wrong in his head.

Rather than comment, Spinner gave him a bit of a smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. In a long practiced move, Spin slid out of the chair and flipped it back around. "Alright, man," he said, clapping Jimmy on the shoulder, "I've gotta get back. Shout if you need anything."

"I will."

Jimmy watched him slip back behind the counter and seamlessly start pouring coffee for a customer feeling a little sadder.

After the required stop home with a phone call to Kate to assure her that yes, he was fine and so was Jimmy, and that they knew it wasn't right to skip school, but well, they couldn't stay, he headed back to Degrassi for the student council budget defense. Of course, waiting on the front steps was Manuela Santos looking gorgeous and fit to kill.

Liberty was going to be on his back the second he got inside the building, so of course, Manny had to beat her to the punch by blocking the entrance. He really wasn't sure he had it in him to deal with the assault from more than one side on this. Ignoring her, as the knot in his stomach intensified, he started up the steps to the school building that he didn't want to enter.

Ignoring Manny, however, was impossible. And he knew that in the same way he knew that if he didn't go inside to Liberty he'd be murdered in a slow torturous way. So he found himself looking up at the furious, raven haired girl.

"Where the hell did you go?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It didn't settle any of it out, but he continued up the stairs anyways. "Manny."

She seemed not to notice his weariness or the fact that he didn't want to talk to her right now. Or perhaps it was just that she didn't care. Emma couldn't have gotten in touch with her or she wouldn't be this mad. Manny and Emma were usually a package deal, and when they weren't one of them was usually not happy about it.

"It's one thing for Emma not to pick up the phone, god knows she does it enough, but I would have expected better from you."

For all anyone's ever expected out of anyone else, they expect ten times more from him. Good, solid, dependable Tobes. He'll be there when you need him, and even when you don't and after you've forgotten you can just go back like you'd never left because well, he wanted you back. But in this instance he couldn't figure out for the life of him why he was supposed to the one who came out of this situation okay.

"Why should I be better than that?" He shouted the question at her and for the first time in his life he saw Manny take a step back from him. The anger sapped and left only sadness behind. "I've lost my second friend in two years, explain to me why it is that I have to be the one to hold it together?"

"Because…" Manny trailed off, looking small and lost for the first time in a long time. "You're Toby," she finally supplied.

"Thanks," he remarked sarcastically, pushing his glasses up onto his forehead as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "That makes it all better."

Toby went to continue past her, tired of the conversation, of getting up and facing the next day, of facing the school building in front of him. He was far too young to be this tired by everything that he confronted.

"Hey," her tiny hand squeezed on his arm and guilt swarmed through him. It doubled when he finally turned to look at her face, the brown eyes filling with tears. "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine," he lied.

It slipped out of his lips easier than almost anything else he said. Toby had lost count a long time ago how many times he had uttered those words when everything was anything but fine. He'd become quite the liar as time went on.

"No," she insisted, shaking her head, tears finally slipping down her cheeks. "no you're not. None of it's fine."

And just like that, Good Ol' Tobes was back, taking her into his arms as she cried on his shoulder. Her hands clutched at the back of his shirt as she cried and he made soothing motions on her back to try and calm her down. The world seemed to slow a little and all he could hear were the sniffles and choked sobs, and feel the tears soaking into his shirt.

He could see Rick again, and their stupid bet to get as many kisses as possible. Or JT and his stupid plans to get any action with a girl that he possibly could, including Manny once she stopped being their cute friend to being a siren. And he could see the old gang as they had been once upon a time. Just a bunch of kids trying to keep up with school work and hormones, summers that were used for nothing but wandering around with water guns or getting into Liberty's Jacuzzi.

The scent of bubble gum and text books and of four kids bored out of their mind trying to do anything to alleviate the lack of excitement. The feel of his lungs wanting to explode as he continued trying desperately to keep up with the cool, athletic Jimmy. Or the look of the lights, and cameras and the fleeting victory of a Brain Bowl win.

It took a moment for Toby to realize that he was crying right along with her. His arms had tightened on her and he wondered if he was crushing her but he couldn't seem to stop the tears for long enough to ask. Toby couldn't even seem to loosen his arms to give her a little relief. He just needed someone, anyone, who knew him before it was all wrong to hang onto.

Toby wasn't sure how long it had been when the awkwardness began to seep in. Manny was one of his oldest friends but puberty had long ago made things like hugging his friends who were girls awkward. Toby let go and ended up stuffing his hands in his pockets as Manny's delicate hands wiped at her tears.

"I should probably go in before Liberty loses it."

"Yeah," Manny said, giving off a little laugh that still sounded as if she were crying, and managed a shaky smile. "I'd hate to have anything happen to you, or for Lib's head to explode. I should probably go leave another harassing message on Emma's phone."

He nodded, embarrassment warming his cheeks. "Alright."

"I'll see you later though?" Manny asked tentatively, a rare occurrence for her.

"Yeah."

"Bye Tobes," she said softly, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. She wiped her thumb across some of his own tear tracks before she left. "If you ever need to not be okay again, just…let me know okay?"

He watched her walk away from the school and wondered how different his life would have been if he'd never met JT or had been forced to move in with Kate and Ashley. A different school, a different life, less tragedy maybe, but different friends. That was a price Toby wasn't sure he would be willing to pay.

Sean slowly climbed the stairs next to Emma without touching her. Despite allowing the admission that he loved her to tumble from his lips at the cemetery and holding her while they stared at the grave of a boy who had changed them forever, it now felt odd to touch her. He was still having trouble wrapping his mind around the thought that she felt as guilty as he did.

She'd never told him about Rick putting his hands on her or about how terrified she must have been by the whole thing. He should have been there for her. He should have known.

It was bullshit, and he knew it. They'd been apart nearly a year when they'd come across Rick in the hallway, hadn't spoken more than two words to each other in over six months, not even when he'd come to her house to fix Snake's car. The closest they'd come to an actual conversation had been some stupid exchange about the anti violence ribbons, which was mostly Ellie pushing Paige and Emma for their reasons for what they were doing.

He hadn't known what was going on with her, had no reason to know. Emma hadn't had a reason to tell him either. Two years ago they had not owed each other anything anymore, except maybe a few apologies that had drifted into the silence between them. Funny how a man with a gun had changed everything.

"If you'd rather be alone, I could go."

Emma's voice was quiet and hesitant but still startling. He looked up to see her standing uncomfortably in the middle of his apartment.

"No," he replied quickly, trying to bank down a little of the panic that came from the thought of her being out of his sight just yet. God he was starting to sound paranoid. "I mean, unless Spike and Mr. S are going to be mad that you're not home."

"I left a message," Emma responded with a shrug, as if she wasn't sure what their real stance on the whole thing would be. "I told them we were together, that I was safe. That should be enough for them right now."

"Yeah."

Sean couldn't help but feel stupid, standing in his own living room nodding his head like an idiot. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets because he couldn't figure out how to put his hands on his girlfriend without freaking them both out. He wanted to do something, anything but nothing came to mind. Finding the right thing to do had rarely been his strong suit.

Emma, per usual, saved him from his inability to figure it out. She crossed the room to him and tossed thin arms around his neck. Rather than awkwardly standing there as he had after the shooting, he embraced her just as deeply. A sob hitched in Emma's throat, as he nuzzled it and hot tears began leaking against his shoulder.

'Are you sorry Emma's alive?'

Jimmy's words echoed in his head as he inhaled the scent of her hair. He couldn't be sorry for this. There was a very long list of things that Sean wished he had never done, but if not doing them meant he wouldn't be holding on to her.. The fact that he might have had to stand before her grave today and regret not killing Rick when he had the chance, it was hard not to be sorry.

Sean held her even tighter as he buried his nose in her silky hair. "I shouldn't have just walked away from you at the cemetery like that," he mumbled.

"It's okay," she told him, pulling back so that they could face each other. "I understand. I should have figured out where Toby wanted to go sooner."

"It's not your fault," he insisted fiercely. When her head dipped down so she could avoid looking him in the eye, he took her face in his hands to make him face her. "Em, none of it was your fault."

Emma's eyes were still shiny with tears. "Some of it was my fault," she insisted, her voice stronger. "I started the original campaign against him Sean, I tripped him, I told him he was pathetic." The sad, pained look that he was getting far to used to seeing on her face clouded her features as she looked down at her hands. "I wasn't kind."

Sean could have lied and told her he was sure she had been better than she asserted. He knew how she could be though and when Emma didn't like you, it wasn't a secret. She could be, for a lack of a better word, a real bitch when she wanted to be.

But he could top Emma on this one.

"I shot him."

Emma gave a strangled laugh as she wiped at her tear streaked face. "What a pair we make," she said, in an attempt to be light.

It fell flat, though and Sean reached out with his own hand to wipe away the tracks on her face, hoping that maybe he could heal some of the damage. Maybe just take a little more of her pain onto himself so that she didn't have to hurt like that.

She brushed at a curl of his that had fallen into his eyes. "I still dream about it sometimes. I watch you two fall to the ground, and you don't get up. You don't get up and Rick does…"

"It's not real," Sean reminded her.

But he knows the dream. He's too late to do anything. Except in his, the shot gets fired over his shoulder and he turns to see her crumple to the ground, sliding down the door jamb leaving a long, bright red trail of blood from a wound in her head. Toby screams as Sean closes the distance. Sometimes he reaches her to hold her and sometimes he doesn't before a second shot echoes through the hallway and he wakes up, sick and shaking.

He pulled her tightly against him, feeling that sick shaky feeling creeping over him.

"It might have been," she murmured into his shoulder. "Really, it could have been."

"It's not."

He repeated the words over and over again until it just sounded like nonsense tumbling out of his mouth. It was as if everything fell away into nonsense now that he didn't quite understand. But he lived, and so did she and they're together and he was holding her on the couch, it was all that mattered to him in that moment.


End file.
